Numb
by ice shredder
Summary: All Sam could do was helplessly watch the last ember of Dean's humanity flicker and die. This was personal. Charlie was family. And now she's dead. Because of him. Opening scene to 10x22. T for language. Enjoy!


**Title: Numb**

 **Fandom: SPN**

 **Author: ice shredder**

 **Spoilers: Opening to 10x22. Charlie's funeral scene. MAJOR ANGST AHEAD.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own this show or its peoples.**

 **Summary: All Sam could do was helplessly watch the last ember of Dean's humanity flicker and die. This was personal. Charlie was family. And now she's dead. Because of** _ **him.**_ **Dean's cold, lifeless eyes held a promise of terrible retribution. And for the first time in his entire life, Sam was terrified this was the one mistake he'd never be forgiven for.**

This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening this wasn't happening _this wasn't happening, not again I'm sorry...Dean...sorry sorry, I'm sorry...forgive me...Charlie...forgive me please please forgive me-_

Sam's limbs moved on autopilot. Ever since discovering the woman they both loved as a little sister a butchered bloody heap in that seedy motel bathtub, Dean was giving him the cold shoulder. It was scaring the younger man so he tried to keep his head down. Recited a litany of directions he knew by heart but doing them never got easier.

Chop the logs.

 _Thunk._

Pile them up.

 _Thunk._

Make the bier.

Soak the wood in gasoline.

Each log was a knife stabbing through his heart, his gut, his sanity. _Bobby. Jo. Ellen. Dad. Kevin. Adam. Jess. Mom. Madison._ They all had a common thread. Him and Dean (but mostly him) had a hand in all their deaths. He hung his head, despair weighing it down. This one was different.

Dean walked away without a word heading toward the Impala for Charlie. He almost broke down sobbing when he saw Dean carrying the shrouded body of their adopted little sister to her final resting place. A hunter's funeral was par the course in their world, but to Sam this was a brutal reminder of the price of his desperation to save Dean. He directly disobeyed his brother's plea to stop, overrode Charlie and Cas' objections and went behind Dean's back. A cold chill settled in his bones, seeped into his spirit.

How? How could this have happened? She was innocent dammit! _She didn't deserve to die._

Thirty years old.

Dead.

 _30\. Years. Old._

Too young. Gone too soon, in a last-minute gamble that all but backfired.

Her bright scarlet flame snuffed out. Another senseless death easily avoided _if he hadn't insisted there was still a chance at a cure despite the fact everything was pointing that there was_ _ **nothing he could do.**_

His conscience chose to rear its annoying head. To lash him with even _more_ guilt to the mound of ashes that kept getting bigger every year. Always always _always_ at the worst, inopportune moments-

 _She stopped being one when she met you two, dumbass. So this ain't no one's fault but your own. And Dean TOLD your stubborn ass he DOESN'T want to be saved or cured or whatever. I mean, you must ENJOY being WRONG all the time college boy. Your plans suck cock._

He reached for Charlie's feet. Helped ease her onto the bier, his heart breaking into millions of pieces as he watched Dean out of the corner of his eye. The older man still hadn't uttered a word. His face was blank and devoid of emotion. Sam's gut twisted. _I won't cry, I will not break down, not now, I need to be strong, Dean's gonna need me._

Next thing he knew the fire was lit.

Fire was a greedy element. Selfish. Deadly. It didn't care what it devoured, its appetite was insatiable. And the crackling and popping of _more more, gimme gimme more,_ beat a cadence of violence and fury that the cursed Mark on Dean's arm seemed to feed off of.

 _Bad._

 _This is bad._

 _I'm screwed. Everyone's screwed and it's all my fault-_

"Charlie." God. He didn't recognize his voice. It was cracked. Thin. Pathetic. "We're gonna miss you." Fake fake fake. No amount of apologizing was gonna fix this mess. He sounded like a 2 dollar Walmart sympathy card.

Cheap. Meaningless. Read once, then discarded.

Dean stood an arm's length away. Sam longed for his brother to speak. Break the dangerous layer of ice building between them. Sneaking a peek his stomach dropped to his toes. Dean's green eyes hadn't moved from the dancing flames. It looked like he was melding with them...but his eyes remained as dead as they'd been all morning when they'd found Charlie's body. The life wasn't returning to them. Fighting down his welling panic he struggled to continue his eulogy. "I'm sorry-"

"Shuttup."

The remainder of his words get choked off. Dean's voice was flat and cold. Rough like sandpaper. _Angry._ So very, very angry and laden with a cold fury reserved only for enemies. The sound filled the younger hunter with a primal fear. _Danger. Danger. Run away. Now. Run for your damn life and don't look back._

"You got her _killed_ , you don't get to _apologize_." What cut Sam to the heart is his brother's unspoken insult. _You selfish bastard._

And he made no attempt to shield himself from the verbal lashing, even though they ripped through his soul, effortlessly finding their mark.

Dean never missed after all. Not with weapons or with words.

"Do you think-" He felt his throat close up. Tears clogged his eyes. Threatened to spill over his lids. _Don't cry, don't cry._ "-that I'll _ever_ be able to forgive myself?" _Will_ you _Dean?_

His brother wasted no time laying another blow to their frayed bond.

"You know what I think, I think it should be you up there. Not her."

All the blood rushed from his head. Sent him reeling internally. _No Dean. Please, no please tell me you don't mean that-_

"This whole backup thing with Cas? You shut it down before someone else gets hurt. ya understand?"

As he stood there all Sam could do was helplessly watch the last of Dean's humanity flicker and die. This was personal. Charlie was family. And now she's dead. Because of _him._

"Is that you talking? Or the Mark?"

He waited for reassurance. That his big brother was still in there, fighting the good fight. But it never came.

Dean's cold, lifeless eyes held a promise of terrible retribution. They heralded an insane Old-Testament style massacre that wouldn't stop with the Styne family. And for the first time in his life, Sam was terrified this was the one mistake he'd never be forgiven for.

"Does it really matter?"

Dean turned on his heel. Sam watched him walk stiffly back to his Baby and he realized too late the world might not survive his brother's Mark-fueled wrath.

 _This is watcha get for going against his wishes fool. Now watch him go on a screw you rampage._

The heir of Cain was preparing to paint the world red and there was nothing his broken, guilt-ridden baby brother could do to but get out of his way.

And the hard truth?

After everything they survived, even cheating death countless times.

He still could lose Dean.

Forever.

 **-end**

 **A/N: Well the finale promo looks awesome. And scary. And hellacious. No pun intended. Hope y'all enjoyed! And as always, reviews are fuel. :)**


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